The Joker Craves Orange Juice In This Story
by KimberlyJane
Summary: Pretty much what it looks like.
1. Part 1

**In Which The Joker Is Unhappy**

The Joker awakes immediately to a state of deep, multifaceted distress. Before he opens his eyes, he already senses a number of things that are Out of Place.

1. His head feels like it had been bounced on several times by a medium-large sized boulder.

2. He seems to be lying on a very prickly, uncomfortable surface.

3. There is something warm and quite possibly alive on his chest.

And

4. He is dying for some orange juice.

After several long moments of careful consideration, J. decides that Problem Three is of most immediate concern, but it is best to deal with it without opening his eyes, as he deduces from Problems One, Two, and Four that he is very, _very_ Hungover.

Hungover.

What did he do last night? Pub, of course. Wasn't it always? He went with… Riddler, wasn't it? Yes, someone else though. A woman. Did he even _know_ any women? Couldn't have been…

Rather than opening his eyes and taking in what could be a very disastrous situation, the Joker has a moment of being Very Bright Indeed. He goes directly to the source of Problem Three. Warm thing. Arm, definitely arm. Up, up the arm. If he can only make it to-

Yes! There's the hair! He gives the locks a solid tug and is rewarded by a very girlish shriek. Satisfied, J. rolls over and goes back to sleep.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Later.

Must be later, anyway.

Sun's up. He can feel it through his eyelids.

He hates his eyelids.

He notices quickly that his situation has improved. Slightly.

1. His head now feels like a small-medium sized boulder has rolled lazily across his skull. Bouncing is no longer involved.

2. He is probably still lying on a prickly, uncomfortable surface, but he has properly identified it. Grass. Pokey grass.

3. He can no longer sense anything alive in his immediate vicinity.

His taste for orange juice has only gotten stronger.

Might as well open his eyes now.

…

…

…

Ten more minutes.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Oh, sorry! Did I wake you?"

Loud. Loud. Loud. Now is definitely time to open his eyes.

He does.

Blur. Sun. Golf course. Figure. Right in front of his face.

"Hey." Joker grunts weakly.

"Morn-ing!" chirps Bruce, setting down the pan he has accidently been banging against the bars of the golfcart. He smiles widely. "You're pretty when you sleep."


	2. Part 2

**In Which Things Cannot Possibly Get Any Worse**

"_Aaaaraa_!" says The Joker.

This statement launches a whole new set of Problems, the most pressing of which being Confusion.

J. is very upset. He has just discovered that he is lying on a golf course with grass imbedded into his back. He is also suffering from a specific genre of dehydration due to an intake of top-fermenting brewers' yeast.

Reaction to this yeast tends to vary by individual. J. has ingested an amount that can only be described as elephantine. He has just decided that his reaction is Bad.

"_Aaaaraa_!" says The Joker once again.

Bruce delicately furrows his brow.

//////////////////////////////////////////////

We will now take a short pause from the story to examine a list of Things Bruce Wayne is Good At.

Jumping.

Skidding.

Voices.

Punching.

Gliding.

These are the Things Bruce Wayne is Good At. We may now return to our story.

///////////////////////////////////////////////

Bruce delicately furrows his brow. He is not exactly smashing at reading people.

What follows are a few excruciating moments of Confusion.

Bruce senses from J's exclamation that he is somehow Unwell. He smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way.

It is not. At the exact moment that Bruce smiles, J. notices another malady to add to what seems to be a growing list. He discovers that he is as naked as the day he was born. Thus, Bruce's grin is seen by J. to be very very alarming.

The Joker sits on the ground of the stable sputtering for a moment. While slightly delayed speech is somewhat in character for J, it should be noted that in this juncture it is significantly more pronounced than usual. Finally he manages "How?"

Bruce shrugs loftily. "Don't look so surprised. You're not so bad. A bit grimy, but-"

"_Please_ tell me" J. pleads "that my being naked has nothing to do with you."

Bruce shrugs.

The Joker curses.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"Alright," says J. carefully, trying very hard not to become Hysterical "let's go over this one more time. What do you say when Riddler asks where you were?"

Bruce is gliding deftly from tree branch to tree branch high above The Joker's head. "I say 'ohRiddlerlovelytoseeyouIamjustgettingbackfromsexinglotsofwomenhowareyou,' but I don't really see what the _point_ of all this is anyway."

"Point of all what?" The Riddler has just wandered over and is leaning lazily against Bruce's tree.

///////////////////////////////////////

"So you two were _where_ last night?"

"No... I have only just seen Bruce just now and I have no idea what he was doing because I wasn't with him because I wandered off completely alone and passed out on the course here, isn't that a laugh? I couldn't have been with Bruce because he was out with- actually I've got no idea where Bruce was, I don't know why I just said that. Nice day, isn't it, though? Riddler, you don't happen to have any orange juice, do you? Because I was just thinking-"

"OhRiddlerlovelytoseeyouIamjustgettingbackfromsexinglotsofwomenhowareyou."

"Sorry Bruce, what was that?"

"He just said he was making love to lots of women all night long is all. He's just being _really_ inarticulate today. It's just a phase I think, nothing to get worked up about. So no juice then? Right, we're just going to have to get some. Off we go…"

"J?"

"Yeah, yes, what is it?"

"Where are your trousers?"

"Oh…erhm."

"I know where they are! You left them by that tree behind the third pub we went to when you wanted to play 'Clown and the Misbehaving Acrobat,' but I said _I_ wanted to play 'Knight and the Sultry- _merrph moughg_- ow! Stoppit, J, you're hurting- _murrphg-_"

"Excuse us for a moment."

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The Joker and Bruce return to a stupendously baffled Riddler after about 217 seconds. Bruce is nursing his mussed hair and is glaring pointedly at J, who is covering himself with a strategically placed nine iron and trying very hard to look Normal.

Riddler looks from one to the other. After a moment he grins wickedly, turns on his heel, and strides away.

"Whew! That was close!" observes Bruce. He tosses J. a perfect smile as he sashays away after Riddler.

As The Joker reluctantly lugs himself after Riddler, wishing he had thought to pack an extra suit or something, he consoles himself with the fact that things cannot possibly get any worse.

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	3. Part 3

**In Which Things Get Worse**

"We need to talk."

The Joker looked up hostilely from Riddler's Amazing Hangover Cure of breakfast burritos with a side of Oxycontin. Bruce pressed on.

"It's about…" he looked around animatedly to see that Riddler was still in the pantry. "It's about _last night._"

The Joker nearly vomited. But it may have been the burritos.

"I think it's best," The Joker said slowly and deliberately, "if we forget last night ever happened." He swallowed an Oxycontin.

"Um. Oh. Ok. Yeah, that's cool. That's what I was going to say anyway, except I thought I would be the one to say it is all. Yeah we're cool…man." He clapped The Joker unevenly on the shoulder.

There was a long pause.

Followed by a longer one.

The Joker took another Oxycontin.

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Bruce Wayne was mystified.

It was true, he _had_ been planning to break it off immediately. Of course he had.

_But that clown had gotten to it first._

Heh…clown…

Good one, Bruce!

Anyway.

_He _was the one who should have been ashamed.

And he was gorgeous. With shiny hair. And a kickin' bod.

Goddammit. He must say something.

//////////////////////////////////

"Goddammit. I must say something."

"Must you?"

"You're rejecting me. _You're_ rejecting _me_. With my abs are of alabaster cheekbones chiseled by the gods themselves. Your behavior is inexplicable."

The Joker wanted nothing more than to finish his burrito, find some juice, and sleep for five hours. He just wanted this to go away, and decided the fastest way of doing so was to answer with the simplest, most honest thing he could think of.

"You're not my type."

Bruce Wayne was very rarely slighted. He did not handle it well.

"Not your type? NOT YOUR TYPE?!? Your hair is GREEN for christsakes! Your type is probably other people with green hair! And people with green hair SUCK!"

Cleverness was not one of the things Bruce Wayne was good at. He picked up his coat and turned towards the door. This would have been the End Of It if Riddler hadn't wandered out of the pantry with two handfuls of Coco Puffs curious about all the commotion.

//////////////////////////////////////

Edward Nigma had gotten something of a bum rap over the years. Gotham's citizens had outgrown green onesies and rhymes, and Edward's life was at something of a standstill. Aside from one famous heist where he resold stolen Christmas presents in China he had faded into anonymity over the years. He then decided 6 months ago that he would make his great comeback as a new villain and dedicated himself to finding an alter ego. Unfortunately he had yet to settle on one. His therapist called it a _secret identity crisis_. His friends called it retarded.

////////////////////////////////////////

"What's going on?" asked Edward through a mouthful of cereal and settling himself quite comfortably in the middle of the floor.

"Nothing," said The Joker.

"I slept with The Joker," said Bruce.

"Or that," said J.

"It was an accident," added Bruce helpfully.

"Of course it was an accident! You think I would really want to spend any time with you on purpose? _'Oh, I'm Batman! Is there trouble afoot? Let me foil everyone's cunning plans because I'm too much of a pansy to think of something clever myself, which is why I dress up like a rodent! To the Batcave! Away!'_ "

"Fuck you. I'm a superhero."

Edward Nigma had already retreated back into the pantry and shut the door, so it was too muffled to hear The Joker's reply.

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